After reading Steve Martin’s 72 Virgins, I wondered what it might be like if haredim had their own suicide bomber theology. It might be something like this:
36 (Haredi) Virgins
1. Could you please slow down? I’m not through davening ma’ariv yet.
2. I’m still very shomer negiah.
3. My rebbetzin said not to.
4. Look, you’ve waited this long. What’s another day?
5. Can Rifkie watch?
6. You call that oneg? Sheindie has more oneg in her middle finger than you have in …in … what do call that thing?
7. I’ll be right there. I just have to finish shaving my head.
8. I don’t think the Rebbe took his clothes off.
9. Hey! What’s that yukkie stuff on my leg!
10. I am NOT going to touch it! It’s bad enough I have to watch you touch it!
11. Okay. I’m on my back. Now what?
12. I was told not to move.
13. I don’t understand why the goyyim like this so much.
14. Does God know what you’re doing? DOES THE REBBE!?!
15. No! Was I supposed to use the mikvah?
16. So, Sheindy, she goes, like, um and then Rifkie, she said …
17. No. I lost it climbing trees.
18. If you’re such a big lamden, such a big tzaddikel, you figure out where it goes!
19. And then my parents brought me to the rav, and he looked, and
he paskined – I was only three – it was supposed to grow back!
20. Ooooo, I’m soooo close! Just move the kugel a little bit to the
left – OH! RIGHT THERE! OH, YES, OH, YES, OOOOHHHH YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
21. So, in sifrei kabbalah it says … Reuven? Reuven! Are you snoring?
22. So you blew yourself up for Hashem and you think that means that
I, Sheindie, have to do what?!?!
23. If you can’t find a makor, this is over. No makor, no kissie. Got that?
24. What do you mean it’s in? You call that "in"? Is that what they taught you in yeshiva, Mr. Big Shot?
25. You call this a manual? And, no, I do not care what the Ra’avad said!
26. At some point, isn’t this supposed to feel good?
27. Okay, I admit it. But he wore condoms, so it’s not really the same, now is it?
28. I thought it didn’t count if he wasn’t Jewish?
29. And now Morah Sheindy is going to put a soft, new nappie on your little hard tzaddikel …
30. My brother was bigger.
31. My rebbetzin said I can’t look.
32. My rebbetzin said I can’t touch.
33. Only Torah and glatt kosher mehadrin min hamehadrin food will ever pass these lips. Got that, tzaddik?
34. Gee, that was really nice. Yup, it sure was. Can I go back to sleep now?
35. Now I understand the advantage of that immaculate conception thing.
36. You touch one hair on this sheitel and we’re through! Do you hear me?
©2007 Shmarya Rosenberg, Failed Messiah.com (after Steve Martin).