36 (Haredi) Virgins

After reading Steve Martin’s 72 Virgins, I wondered what it might be like if haredim had their own suicide bomber theology. It might be something like this:

36 (Haredi) Virgins

    1.    Could you please slow down? I’m not through davening ma’ariv yet.
    2.    I’m still very shomer negiah.
    3.    My rebbetzin said not to.
    4.    Look, you’ve waited this long. What’s another day?
    5.    Can Rifkie watch?
    6.    You call that oneg? Sheindie has more oneg in her middle finger than you have in …in … what do call that thing?
    7.    I’ll be right there. I just have to finish shaving my head.
    8.    I don’t think the Rebbe took his clothes off.
    9.    Hey! What’s that yukkie stuff on my leg!
    10.     I am NOT going to touch it! It’s bad enough I have to watch you touch it!
    11.    Okay. I’m on my back. Now what?
    12.    I was told not to move.
    13.    I don’t understand why the goyyim like this so much.
    14.    Does God know what you’re doing? DOES THE REBBE!?!
    15.    No! Was I supposed to use the mikvah?
    16.    So, Sheindy, she goes, like, um and then Rifkie, she said …
    17.    No. I lost it climbing trees.
    18.    If you’re such a big lamden, such a big tzaddikel, you figure out where it goes!

  19.    And then my parents brought me to the rav, and he looked, and
he paskined – I was only three – it was supposed to grow back!
   
20.    Ooooo, I’m soooo close! Just move the kugel a little bit to the
left – OH! RIGHT THERE! OH, YES, OH, YES, OOOOHHHH YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
    21.    So, in sifrei kabbalah it says … Reuven? Reuven! Are you snoring?

  22.    So you blew yourself up for Hashem and you think that means that
I, Sheindie, have to do what?!?!
    23.    If you can’t find a makor, this is over. No makor, no kissie. Got that?
    24.    What do you mean it’s in? You call that "in"? Is that what they taught you in yeshiva, Mr. Big Shot?
    25.    You call this a manual? And, no, I do not care what the Ra’avad said!
    26.    At some point, isn’t this supposed to feel good?
    27.    Okay, I admit it. But he wore condoms, so it’s not really the same, now is it?
    28.    I thought it didn’t count if he wasn’t Jewish?
    29.    And now Morah Sheindy is going to put a soft, new nappie on your little hard tzaddikel …
    30.    My brother was bigger.
    31.    My rebbetzin said I can’t look.
    32.    My rebbetzin said I can’t touch.
    33.    Only Torah and glatt kosher mehadrin min hamehadrin food will ever pass these lips. Got that, tzaddik?
    34.    Gee, that was really nice. Yup, it sure was. Can I go back to sleep now?
    35.    Now I understand the advantage of that immaculate conception thing.
    36.    You touch one hair on this sheitel and we’re through! Do you hear me?
©2007 Shmarya Rosenberg, Failed Messiah.com (after Steve Martin).

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10 Comments

Filed under PARODY & SATIRE

10 responses to “36 (Haredi) Virgins

  1. Anonymous

    Do you know any holocaust jokes while you’re at it? Some things you dont joke about. This isn’t funny.

  2. ben yomo

    written by a professional single (obviously)

  3. Anonymous

    A few thoughts:

    I’m not sure why, but 613 seems like it would be more believable than 36. I can, off the top of my head, think of waaay more than 36 ways to say “No”. Just sayin’.

    Hareidim don’t need suicide bombers. They could just take a bunch of people out for a big sushi dinner at a really machmir place- the kind where the bathrooms haven’t been cleaned for several months. By the next morning they’ll all wish they were dead.

    Most frum girls I know have at least a few copies of Cosmo and Complete Woman (I think they’re the only ones who read the latter one) hidden behind “The Secret of Jewish Femininity” (that’s the real secret). Your #5 is a big favorite (we’re sorry if we’re scaring the bochurim- try torahtots if you can’t handle it).

    Thank you for showing us that there is at least one guy out there with a sense of humor. Number one shidduch date killer: a boychik who’s so pure and frum that he brings up the holocaust every time something slightly off-color is mentioned.

    Speaking of funny, #12 is not.

  4. YUGUY

    I know some Holocaust jokes….but I feel this isnt the proper forum for them. Although, they are funny, even if sick.

  5. Anonymous

    Go ahead and enjoy it sicko.

  6. Anonymous

    Shmarya can be the 37th virgin

  7. Anonymous

    the biggest joke will be when scottys rishus catches up with him and he needs haredi bikur cholim services to take care of him during his final painful illness. then again i think hashem will have rachmonus on a shoiteh and just give him the ultimate punishment that hell rant here for the rest of his life while haredim grow stronger and stronger.

  8. Yos

    37. Yeah, while you’re doing that, can I braid your payes?

  9. Neo-Conservaguy

    Oh man, some of those aren’t funny, just nasty. I feel the need to visit the mikveh.

  10. nachos

    Neo-conservaguy.
    Be careful in the mikveh!!! You might become number 37!!!!

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