36 (Haredi) Virgins

After reading Steve Martin’s 72 Virgins, I wondered what it might be like if haredim had their own suicide bomber theology. It might be something like this:

36 (Haredi) Virgins

    1.    Could you please slow down? I’m not through davening ma’ariv yet.
    2.    I’m still very shomer negiah.
    3.    My rebbetzin said not to.
    4.    Look, you’ve waited this long. What’s another day?
    5.    Can Rifkie watch?
    6.    You call that oneg? Sheindie has more oneg in her middle finger than you have in …in … what do call that thing?
    7.    I’ll be right there. I just have to finish shaving my head.
    8.    I don’t think the Rebbe took his clothes off.
    9.    Hey! What’s that yukkie stuff on my leg!
    10.     I am NOT going to touch it! It’s bad enough I have to watch you touch it!
    11.    Okay. I’m on my back. Now what?
    12.    I was told not to move.
    13.    I don’t understand why the goyyim like this so much.
    14.    Does God know what you’re doing? DOES THE REBBE!?!
    15.    No! Was I supposed to use the mikvah?
    16.    So, Sheindy, she goes, like, um and then Rifkie, she said …
    17.    No. I lost it climbing trees.
    18.    If you’re such a big lamden, such a big tzaddikel, you figure out where it goes!

  19.    And then my parents brought me to the rav, and he looked, and
he paskined – I was only three – it was supposed to grow back!
   
20.    Ooooo, I’m soooo close! Just move the kugel a little bit to the
left – OH! RIGHT THERE! OH, YES, OH, YES, OOOOHHHH YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
    21.    So, in sifrei kabbalah it says … Reuven? Reuven! Are you snoring?

  22.    So you blew yourself up for Hashem and you think that means that
I, Sheindie, have to do what?!?!
    23.    If you can’t find a makor, this is over. No makor, no kissie. Got that?
    24.    What do you mean it’s in? You call that "in"? Is that what they taught you in yeshiva, Mr. Big Shot?
    25.    You call this a manual? And, no, I do not care what the Ra’avad said!
    26.    At some point, isn’t this supposed to feel good?
    27.    Okay, I admit it. But he wore condoms, so it’s not really the same, now is it?
    28.    I thought it didn’t count if he wasn’t Jewish?
    29.    And now Morah Sheindy is going to put a soft, new nappie on your little hard tzaddikel …
    30.    My brother was bigger.
    31.    My rebbetzin said I can’t look.
    32.    My rebbetzin said I can’t touch.
    33.    Only Torah and glatt kosher mehadrin min hamehadrin food will ever pass these lips. Got that, tzaddik?
    34.    Gee, that was really nice. Yup, it sure was. Can I go back to sleep now?
    35.    Now I understand the advantage of that immaculate conception thing.
    36.    You touch one hair on this sheitel and we’re through! Do you hear me?
©2007 Shmarya Rosenberg, Failed Messiah.com (after Steve Martin).

A Meeting of the Minds

Courtesy of Mazeartist.

[WARNING! Explicit Content!] Borat Makes Teshuva

Borat Makes Teshuva
By Shmarya Rosenberg
Special to the Jewish Chronicle

London – Kazakh news presenter Borat Sagdiyev, under fire from Jewish groups including the US-based Anti-Defamation League (ADL) for his outspoken antisemitism, racism and misogyny, has Jewish roots, the Chronicle has learned. Borat’s maternal grandmother, variously identified as Svetalna or Svet (“because she dripped much,” Borat has said) is the daughter of a scion of an illustrious rabbinic family exiled to Kazakhstan during the reign of Josef Stalin, the brutal Soviet dictator Borat admires and has referred to as “strong, powerful with big khram,” or testicles.

When confronted by the Chronicle in early July with evidence of Jewish descent, Borat at first denied any connection with Jews. Indeed, over tea at the Chronicle offices, Borat impulsively snatched a small paper Israeli flag off a reporter’s birthday cake and lit it on fire while singing the Kazakh national anthem with great fervor.

But, as time wore on Borat warmed to the idea and accompanied this reporter on a low-key trip to Israel. Impressed with what he saw, Borat has decided to live an openly Jewish life. On our return to London, Borat was interviewed by the Chronicle’s senior correspondent, Jenny Frazier.

JF: First of all, I’d like to welcome you to the Jewish people. We’re pleased to have you with us.

Borat: You welcome very nice, but in my country relative get hug and squeeze melons. Maybe you lean forward?

JF: I don’t think so. Judaism has a concept of modesty. Many men and women never touch until they marry.

Borat: Yes. I hear this. Very hard.

JF: Yes it is.

Borat: You have one, too? [Staring intently at Frazier’s chest] They look real!

JF: So what is it that attracted you to Judaism?

Borat: Haredim.

JF: How’s that?

Borat: They are very much like Kazakhs. Family important. It everything. And, they don’t work, just like us. And they treat their women as cows. Oh, and they steal from government just like us.

JF: Surely you found other less repressive things to like about Israel?

Borat: Sure. Borat like big weapons. Many soldiers. Certain little children. And one sheep.

JF: If I’m understanding you correctly, it is the power of Israel that attracts you, the machismo, so to speak?

Borat: Yup. It’s a country with big – what is word? – ah, yes, Borat remember, beitzim. We call them khram. I show you. [He begins to stand up.]

JF: I don’t think so.

Borat: Very big.

JF: I’m sure.

Borat: [He sits down] For country with such khram, you have leader who is khram-less…

JF: Well, the situation is quite complex …

Borat: … except for his nose. He have one khram, from which he breathe, unless he have cold and it stuffed. President on other hand have many powerful khram. He is Stalin of Israel, like iron god. Many in my village now worship him.

JF: So, did you see Tel Aviv, the first modern Jewish city? How did you like that?

Borat: Much. Many beautiful women of which I licked.

JF: You liked them?

Borat: I lick them. Like this. [Borat grabs Frazier’s arm and licks it, starting at the wrist and ending at the outer biceps, just below the shoulder.] It is Kazakh greeting … you taste like apple.

JF: Thank you.

Borat: Israeli girl taste like grandmother – sweat. They drip much due to heat.

JF: So you liked Israeli women?

Borat: Yes. Good taste and not much money to buy. I had sexy wet time often.

JF: Do you plan on returning there?

Borat: Yes. I make TV show for Kazakhstan. Show how Jews really are.  Salty women. Good taste. I also go back to study Holy books.

JF: So you have plans?

Borat: I go to Aish HaTorah for mind control.

JF: Then what?

Borat: I marry haredi girl. They promise me 12 year old. I ask for 8, but they say I can’t touch her until she 12. Not even licking. Then I get on kollel roster. My wife have many babies. I use kollel money for prostitute, because wife grow fat from babies. But after prostitute I go to mikva.

JF: Why? To clean yourself from sin?

Borat: No. To rub with little boys, just like rabbi from New York. Life is good.

Chabad Song Parody

Sent in by FriarYid:

[To the tune of Under the Sea, from Disney’s Little Mermaid]

…Up in Crown Heights,

Up in Crown Heights,

Nothing’s as nice,

As Jews with some spice,

And really nice tights!

Yes, while Bobov’s full of despair,

Chabad prays to an empty chair,

If they had a leader,

He’d stand tall as a cedar,

And they’d reunite!

All the wives’ schmattes,

Bring their husbands such naches,

Up in Crown Heights

Things work with such ease,

When the rebbe’s deceased,

Don’t confuse them with Skver,

Or they’ll cut off your hair,

Yeah I’m telling you,

It don’t pay to screw,

With those guys in Crown Heights!

One Frum Double Entendre Deserves Others

From DailyHalacha.com:

The Gemara in Masechet Keritut establishes that “Simana Milta,” meaning, the things we do as a promising “Siman” (“sign” or “omen”) on Rosh Hashanah are significant and have an impact upon the coming year.

Therefore, one should not treat lightly the custom to partake of certain foods on the night of Rosh Hashanah as a good Siman, such as gourd, apples, pomegranates, and so on. If a person does not enjoy one of these foods, it suffices for him to simply point to the food and recite the “Yehi Ratzon” prayer. It should also be noted that one may come up with his own ideas for foods as Simanim. For example, it is told that somebody would eat on Rosh Hashanah a combination of lettuce, raisins and celery, and declare, “Let us have a raise-in-salary.”…

In the spirit of the moment, and with a large dose of early Purimkeit added, here are simanim suggestions for certain Orthodox rabbinic types. You’ll have to figure out what they mean on your own:

• Heaps of lettuce surrounded by pictures of Benjamin Franklin and President Grant.

• Several of these cards taken from Monopoly games and placed on a silver platter with attorney Nathan Lewin’s home telephone number.

• A Barney doll with a large hunting knife inserted through it’s chest, surrounded by pictures of gedolim and ID bracelets.

• Heaps of Baby Kosher Dill Pickles. Remember, as long as the pickles are sucked, licked or otherwise fondled, the siman will work. But whatever you do, remember – do not swallow!

The Lebanon War’s Best Parody

This is circulating (unattributed) via email. I don’t know who did this, but it’s very funny!

[Hat tip: Mendel Mosesson.]

TORAH CODES REVEAL IDENTITY OF ANONYMOUS BLOGGER – UnOrthodox Jew “Is Gil Student”

Star Wars

A Star Wars organic food parody on YouTube. Check it out.

[Hat tip: C Girl.]

Raveinu Melech HaMoshiach!

Move over Chabad – looks like someone over at YU is mounting a challenge to the Rebbe’s “reign.”

[Hat tip: Chakira.]

Technorati Tags: Chabad, jewish, modern orthodoxy

How Many?

Tzemach Atlas wants to know how many of these I’ve sold. I don’t know exactly. There have not been many orders, but some have been quite large. Curiously, all of the big ones were shipped to a Mr. Judah Krinsky residing at 784 Eastern Parkway.

The Two-Minute Haggadah – A Passover Service For The Impatient

Michael Rubiner: The Two-Minute Haggadah – a Passover service for the impatient.

Passover Hip Hop Video

Passover Hip Hop video.

Cleaning for Passover, part 2.

Passover Cleaning Explained

Passover cleaning explained by an expert. (For actual guidance, ask your rabbi.)

Rubashkin Protest Mug On Sale!

Normal price is $14.99. On sale through Pesach for $12.99. Bring a few to your local seder.